What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 08:06
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was in good health!
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I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When she asked me how she looked .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
I waited trembling.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So whats the point in blame.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is soul school!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .